I was jailed and I felt alone: emotional support for refusers

Mattan here. In 2017 I spent 110 days in a military prison for refusing to join the Israeli occupation forces. Today, I am the executive director of Refuser Solidarity Network (RSN). Now more than ever, we urgently need a long-term movement to put a stop to the genocide in Gaza and end the occupation. But to build a sustainable anti-war movement, we also need to support people on another front as they face fines, jail time, and social exclusion: emotionally. I would like to tell you about our new emotional support program for refusers and the struggles I had as a refuser. We are counting on you to help us fund this vital program, so that every potential refuser knows they have a support system waiting for them. Help us reach our mid-year goal of $30,000.

We, refusers, do not talk as much about our emotional struggles following our decisions to refuse to join the army. As a public-facing activist, I forced myself to put on a brave face and keep my struggles in prison to myself. I wanted the focus on my message: a stop to the endless occupation. I also felt guilty admitting I was struggling because I felt that I could not complain or pity myself while there are Palestinians who suffer in Israeli military prisons and under the occupation. But today, I understand that this perspective is unproductive, for myself and for the anti-war movement, as it prohibits self-care, causes burnout, and makes resistance unsustainable.

I would like to share my struggles from that period with you. As a result of my refusal, I was facing the brunt of social exclusion at the hands of a thoroughly militarised Israeli society. I was forced out of my youth movement and the commune I was living in by friends I had lived with for over a year. I had fights with family members and I lost friends. Military prison, of course, was a struggle. My freedom was taken from me, I was forced to act like a soldier and spent my time there alone. I even received threats from other prisoners. The hardest part was that I didn't know when I would be released and how long I would be in prison. I remember that close to the end of my imprisonment, I started to feel like I could not handle it anymore. I was conflicted because I was suffering but at the same time, I decided to refuse and to put myself in this position. Until today, I carry with me scars that I didn't deal with from my time in prison. During this experience, there was no system of emotional support and a place to process my experience. I felt so alone.

Back then I thought that I was the only refuser who struggled. Later on, I realized these struggles were not only mine – they are shared by all refusers. In conversations with younger refusers, we decided to form a support circle. We offer an emotional support system through trained therapists that build a support group for past, present and future refusers, where bravery and heroism can be put aside. Our support circle equips refusers with a necessary infrastructure of support and care: they receive emotional and social support, learn coping strategies and hear about each other's experiences. We help refusers to transform their experience from emotional struggles to sources of empowerment. We change the culture of the movement from toxic heroism to self-care and compassion. We also plan to use the knowledge garnered from our support group to publish a self-care handbook with emotional and practical advice for future refusers. 

When I refused, our movement did not yet offer this type of crucial support. In order to become a lifelong resistance movement, we need to make sure refusers have the skills and knowledge, and access to resources to sustain their work. We also need potential refusers to know that if they refuse, we will be there for them. Our psychological support forum is only possible because of you, << Test First Name >>, and your support. We ask all our friends abroad to make a donation today to make this program possible. We need to reach our $30,000 goal.

Only with these kinds of long-term support structures can we produce life-long activists. If we want to build long-term opposition to the military-industrial complex and demilitarize the world over, we need structures of care.